Wednesday, October 20, 2010

In Death We Did Part

Rodney and I were inseparable. He was 18, funny and smart. Everything that not only I wanted in a guy, but I was sure every other girl in the world wanted him too. We spent 95% of our time with all of our friends. Usually smokin a doobie and drinkin beer. We had good friends. Kind friends. One of our favorite party spots was at my cousin Michaels house. He lived just out on the edge of town and had a really cute house. His wife had it filled with plants and pictures. A place you wanted to spend time at.
Rodney got a job with ONG and still worked part time with his dad at the gas stations. We dated for about 5 months when my life changed again. I was living with Nanny and Daddy Jack again and very happy. Daddy was there too but spent alot of time working and dating wife #4. Rodney had gotten his own house and on this weekend it was where the party was. Rodney and I had not slept together. He knew about the rape and was giving me the time I needed. Gawd how I loved him for that. Well, I told Nanny that I was gonna spend the night at Michaels house because I knew that the party would last well into the night. There was one hitch, Michael wasn't going to the party that night. We drank and smoked and laughed all night as I was oblivious as to what was happening at home. My Daddy Jack had a heart attack. Michael wasn't home, and Nanny thought I was with him so no one could get ahold of me. The party continued.
As the night wore down Rodney and I curled up on his bed and snuggled until morning. When Michael showed up at the door I knew something was horribly wrong. He told me Daddy Jack was in the hospital and that my daddy was looking for me. All I could do was blink my eyes and try to focus. Daddy Jack, my sweet Daddy Jack. I had to get to him. When I arrived at the hospital I first got an update. He had a massive heart attack that left extensive damage. He would live 1 year or less. I was devastated. And my daddy was furious, with me! I felt so bad. Bad for lying, bad for not being there for my grandpa.
The next day daddy decided we were gonna have a *talk*. I knew what it was about, me lying. Turns out I only *thought* I knew. It was about me "spending with night with my boyfriend"! Rodney and I sat down and braced ourselves for the ammo to start flying. To my exhaustion I was unable to convince him that Rodney and I did not have sex, that we hadn't had any sex at all! He flat out called me a liar. Gave Rodney and I an ultimatum. We either get married or we were never to see each other again. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was 16 years old!!!! We just looked at each other. Then dad told us to go out to the truck and talk it over. We were quiet out there for a few minutes. I think we were waiting for the other to say something. I know what I was hoping he would say. I asked him what he thought. He looked at me and said "well, I don't want to be without you!" OMG!! THAT'S what I wanted to hear! We discussed all our options, what our future might look like, and then.....I was engaged!
I only had 2 weeks to get ready. I was very fortunate to have Rodney's mother because she just literally took care of everything. Hell, I had no idea what to do. I remember picking out the cake, I think that was my favorite part! We were getting married in his parents back yard. They lived in a beautiful country neighborhood with a bazillion trees on their property. We would be wearing blue jeans, casual semi matching shirts, and I would be barefoot. My daddy would give me away and my best friend (Rodney's cousin) would be my Maid Of Honor. His best friend would of course be his Best Man.
It was a beautiful April day. Sunny, warm...perfect. We had alot of family and friends show up for the wedding which made Rodney and I both feel very loved. We said our vows, we kissed...we cried. I loved this guy so much. I prayed for an eternity with him. We went to a Lodge for our honeymoon. We had so much fun just running around the place checking it all out. We played in the fountain, drank a bottle of champagne that we brought with us and laughed at everything. We spent 3 days there, enjoying every second and talking about everything. That is one of the things I loved most about him, he talked to me, he listened to me and he heard me.
When we left our honeymoon we went straight home to the new apartment we had gotten. It was just a little one bedroom, simple. But it was home. And we were happy. I have only one regret during our 4 month marriage, and that is that I agreed to let Rodney sell our only car and get a motorcycle. How could I say no? He was so good to me and he had wanted one all of his life. That decision would change me forever.
The phone rang, it was one of our best friends. "Rodney's hurt, he's right down the street. I think he had a wreck". "Go to him I cried". I had no way of getting to him since we had no car. "I can't go, I can't see it" our friend said. He told me he would call Rodney's parents and for me to wait there for them. I ran outside screaming his name, neighbors came out, friends came. I sat on the curb and cried and cried. I had no idea if he was hurt, how bad he was hurt, my mind was racing. His parents pulled up and we raced off to the hospital. As I was running up to the emergency room doors they were bringing Rodney back out to load him back into the ambulance to rush him to Oklahoma City. What I saw still sticks in my head and heart today. He looked so broken. He had blood coming from his eyes, ears, nose and mouth. His head was as broad as his shoulders. I wanted to touch him but they wouldn't let me. They didn't waste a second getting him back into the ambulance. As I tried to load up with him they held me back and said no, I would have to ride with his parents. The car seemed to be crawling, but the speedometer read 90. We got to the trauma center right behind the ambulance but I couldn't get there in time to see his face before they had him in a room. All I could do was wait. I remember laying in the chair crying and Rodney's momma brushing back my hair with her fingers. Minutes turned into hours. 6 hours to be exact. The doctor came out, called us into a room and broke my heart. "We did everything we could, but he was just to badly hurt". That's all I remember of that night. Rodney had not been wearing a helmet. He had broken almost every bone in his body, but it was the head trauma that killed him.
I spent the next couple of weeks sleeping. I was grieving so hard for him. I was sick, tired and just wanted my husband. Another week went by and my daddy decided I needed to see a doctor. I went just to make him feel better, but the news I got was shattering. I was 6 weeks pregnant.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Stumbling Thru The Dark

I was so alone, confused and scared. I had no one. I couldn't tell my daddy because I was simply afraid that if I did he would go and do something and end up in the very prison I had grown up around. I didn't have my best friend anymore because when I told her she didn't believe me. I managed to stay away from everyone else by locking myself in my room during the day, and since I was scared to be at home alone at night now I spent most of the nights out on the stoop of the apartment building next to me, in the dark.

I was dirty. Ashamed, guilt ridden and embarrassed. There was no amount of soap and water to wash it away. I was drowning in despair. My thinking was based on one thing, the rape. It consumed every thought in my mind. I couldn't sleep or eat and the emotional and physical effects were starting to show. Inside and out. I felt like if anyone saw me, they would know....know my nasty little secret.

I think it was somewhere around a month before I really started to feel good enough to get out and in the world again. I had made friends with my daddy's girlfriends son. That's where I learned about the definition of speed and pot. They were my new best friends, and we had a great relationship. I jumped into the drugs full speed ahead, figuring out that it didn't hurt so bad when I was stoned. So stoned I stayed. This went on for the next several months until things didn't work out with daddy and his new love, and he decided to move us away....back to my Nanny and Daddy Jack.

I was happy again, at least for the most parts. The days were terrific, it was just the nights that always got the better of me. I started in school where I made lots of friends, turned 16, and met him........Rodney! He was the cousin of my new friend. He was handsome, sweet, intelligent, a gentleman and he liked me back. We started doing everything together when I was out of school. He had already graduated and worked with his dad at one of the gas stations that they owned there in town. I was so nervous when he took me to meet his parents. I felt a little inadequate as they had ALOT of money and was in upper society...I was nothin but a simple barefoot girl.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Friendship Award

This is an award that I made myself. I was inspired to make it because of all the support I have been given during all of my blog posts and then thru the situation in finding my little brother.
This award represents the person who is willing to always show love and kindness to a friend, no matter what.
I awarded this to @labbylulu because she is always so kind to me, but there are a few others that I would like to give it to as well, for the exact same reason.
@nanny_booboo, @staceylt, @leighish and @sojinkeys.
Thank you ladies, for always being there for me.
And don't forget, a yellow rose means friendship.

Message From Heaven

Well, it happened. My little brother wrote me! He sounds wonderful! He told me that he stays busy with his job (he is a truck driver), he is married...which most of his message was about his wife and how much he loves her and how good for him she is. He has 5 step children which he also speaks very highly of. He was moving the weekend that he wrote me, which is putting him about 1 1/2 hours away, but that isn't to bad. I want to thank all of you who have been so very supportive of me during this whole thing. I don't know if there will be a relationship built out of this or not, but just to know that I have my online friends to fall back on during good or bad times is very heartfelt. Love and hugs to you all.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Ray Of Hope

Well I told you all that I would keep you informed, and that's what I'm gonna do! I have received alot of good news this week that I want to share with you. First of all, the arteriogram that I need to find out about the stroke symptoms and high heart rate is going to be paid for fully thru a financial program at Mercy Hospital in Oklahoma City. I could not have gotten better news about this. I have been continually worrying about it which hasn't helped the heart rate, but hopefully it will be resolved soon. It hasn't been scheduled yet as the hospital has just received the last of my paperwork, but you will be the first to know when it is down on a date!
Ok, I also got a phone call informing me that I have been approved for Social Security Disability! I have already gotten my back pay, and now will receive monthly checks which is going to help out with the finances tremendously. I have been fighting the system for several years trying to get this taken care of. The last denial I had gotten I was told that there was no hope at all for it because of not earning some kind of work credits thru the years? I didn't understand then and don't understand it now, but guess that doesn't matter. Then after months, and have just about forgotten about it, I get the phone call out of the blue. A second prayer answered.
The really, really most exciting piece of good news I have is that last night I got a message from Bobby's wife on facebook! She sounds very nice, but also sounded as though she was under the impression that Bobby and I have been in touch? I dunno what that is about, I don't care, just the fact that I at least have a closer to link to Bobby is good enough for me.
Well that is all of my good news for this broadcast, stay tuned for future announcements!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Goodbye Sweet Dawg...Hello 'Lil Brother

This has been one of the hardest and yet at the same time one of the happiest weeks of my life. Our sweet 6 year old Rhodesian Ridgeback had to be put down because of progressing aggression. Even though he tried to bite me twice this week, and had already bitten my adult son in the face several months ago, there was a time when he was the most gentle giant to be had. A very large 100 pound plus monster of an animal. : ) We got Dawg when he was only 4 weeks old. With Grady being a dog trainer he was one of the most well behaved, well mannered buddies. All of this before the aggression of course. He was a beautiful red and had the sweetest dark brown eyes that could make you melt and give him anything he asked for. And I always gave it to him, within reason. He always, always made me feel safe when Grady wasn't home or whenever I took him for walks. But when it thundered, I had better be sitting down because he was gonna be in my lap for sure. His bed is gone now, and his food dish washed and put away, but my tears still flow so tremendously for him. His place in the living room will remain empty, but his place in my heart will never be. Good night my sweet big guy. Momma forever loves you.

On a lighter and more happy note, I located my youngest sibling, my little brother Bobby this week. Seems he is not only in the same state I am, but is only about an hour away. Blows my mind!! For those of you who are so gracious as to read my blog, you know that I have been speaking of him for sometime. Telling of short lived time with him. Well, my sister found him once before 14 years ago. Talking to her on the phone several days ago I asked her how she found him the first time because I wanted to try to find him again. She told me that she had gone to the district attorney the first time and to get a pencil and paper and to write this address down, as I was writing I asked her if it was the address of the district attorney and she said "no, this is Bobby's address". Well, there was nothing I could do except cry like a baby. I was so happy and yet so angry all at the same time. Happy for the obvious reason, angry because my sister had known for months where he was and didn't tell me. Not only that, but she also knew that Bobby's brother (my brother too), Richard is also in the state. How could I cope with all of that information that I obtained in just a few seconds. I almost couldn't. I still have not resolved that issue with my sister, but have had time to think about it and will make things right with her. I asked her how she found him the second time and she said that Bobby had sent a message to her son on Facebook. Facebook! Eureka! So, I found him there, sent him a friend request last night, he accepted. I wrote him a note last night but haven't heard back from him yet, but am holding out much hope. From the looks of things on his page he seems to be doing good, but I want to hear it from him. I will surely keep all of you posted on this latest event!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Dear Mr. 4 Final Chapter

It had been 3 years since daddy brought Bertie home. I got 2 new brothers, my Nanny and Daddy Jack moved out, my sister left, my house burned down. Seemed like so much rotten stuff, a really bad taste in my mouth, but, I did have something to look forward to. My 13th birthday was in 2 weeks. I was gonna be a teenager! I imagined having a slumber party with some of my girlfriends from school. Getting some really awesome presents because it was gonna be such a big event. I hoped for a major production! Humm, yeah. : )
I want it to be known that I loved my little brothers just almost more than anything. The "half" and "step" never came into the equation. I just loved them like they were my own, and I knew in my heart that they loved me too. School was a big deal for Richard. Everyday at lunch I went out to the playground so that we could spend time together and he always told me about his morning.
It was spring, beautiful weather...*playing outside* weather. It came lunch time so out I went to find my 5 year old bubba. I looked, and looked. He wasn't out there. I was afraid he had gotten sick or something and had to stay in so I went to his classroom. No one there, the lunchroom, he wasn't in there either, so I went to the principal's office and his teacher just happened to be in there so I asked her, "Where's Richie". She smiled and said, "They've already left for California!" "California?" I was thinking. I looked at her with a stupid look on my face and her expression just started to slowly sink. "What do you mean California?" I asked. His teacher just sort of hem hawed around there while the principal called my daddy. Daddy didn't know.
It was the longest afternoon of my life waiting for school to be out so I could take that long bus ride home, alone to find out where my brother was and why his teacher thought he left the state. As the bus pulled up to the house I immediately noticed the car was gone. I started getting sick. I ran for the door, it was locked. As I unlocked it my mind was racing. I wanted to go fast but I couldn't. My body wouldn't let me. I slowly opened the door and the silence slapped me so hard in the face. I knew they were gone. I threw my stuff down and ran down the hall to the boy's bedroom. Opened the door, nothing. All that was left was the bunkbeds. All their clothes and toys were gone. I started going threw the house, the next room was daddy's room. Her stuff was gone. Everything out of the bathroom, her clothes, shoes. All I could do was cry and call their names. I screamed their names. I went to the phone and called my dad. He was in shock and didn't know how to comfort me. As I was talking on the phone with him I noticed them, hanging there by thumbtacks. Our letters from her.
Dear Terrie....I'm so sorry for................. She was sorry? Sorry? How more lame could that have been at the time. She was sorry for everything...sorry for leaving, for taking the tv and dishes, for making me cry. For everything except the most important thing. She didn't one time say she was sorry for taking my brothers away from me. For punishing me for no reason. For leaving me alone again.
Nanny and Daddy Jack came over that evening. Nanny had fixed us some supper and brought it over (we had no dishes, remember). Daddy Jack and daddy sat in the living room and talked, trying to figure out what had happened and why. It was like we had a death in the family. Me, I just stayed in the boy's room.....Dear Mr. Jesus.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Dear Mr. 3

By the time Brenda went to live with Patricia, Nanny and Daddy Jack had bought themselves a cute little house out on the lake. There had been some kind of huge falling out that to this day I don't know what it was about. I felt like I didn't have an adult in the world. But I did however have my little brothers, Richie and Bobby. Richard was 4 and Bobby was 1, sweet precious boys that I couldn't live without. I spent all my spare time with them it seemed. I remember teaching Richie how to write his name. I was so proud of both of us. We spent every weekend out at Bertie's parents house. I hated it. Everyone was always walking on eggshells to keep "The Big Man" from going off. My daddy was working constantly and I was there, with them, the *other* family. I can't tell you how many times I saw him slap those kids around, kick the dogs, and kill the hogs. I couldn't stand that man, I was terrified of that man. And so was everyone else, that's why he did just exactly what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it.
I didn't see my sister for a long time. I did get reports about her and she didn't do any better at Patricia's than she did with Bertie, but I don't think daddy and Bertie wanted her back either. My sister was lost in the family system.
I talked to her on the phone tonight, for over an hour. It was a really fun, good talk. We know that we are all each other has. The only living family each other has besides our children. It's strange that how when a person can't remember their past, the only things they can remember are the bad times. I would love nothing more than to write about family picnics and portraits, but that just isn't the way it was for the most part. Between trauma, drama drugs and now meds I can't remember jack crap. My sister is just about the same way, she just has different bad memories. We'll sit and catch each other up every now and then.
We never went out to Bertie's parents house at night during the week because of school, so I was really surprised that night when she told me to turn out my light and get in the car. She was picking up a few things as she was giving her orders and then joined us in the driveway. I remember from what I was told later about the incident that we were out at the horror house for about an 1 1/2 hours before things in the house started getting very busy. Phone calls, whispered conversations....daddy coming out there from work. "What's happening?" I asked them as they were buzzing around. Bertie stopped, looked at me and said "The house burned down!" That witch, she torched our house, I knew she did. I knew it that very moment. See, she was always trying to keep up with everyone else. Her friends, her family, Nanny. And besides that, she was always wanting to stay up the butt of her mother. I had overheard certain conversations between her and my dad, and her and her mother and sisters. Something about a new trailer for sale by her parents house. More than once I heard the words"mobile home". I spent that night there at her parents house, and the next day I went with dad and *the family* to see the damage. It was totally gone, burned to the ground. I didn't have anything left. Nothing. I cried. I cried hard for a long time. I remember neighbors from all around the block came to give us their condolences. And all I could keep thinking about was how did she do it? How did she start the fire. Things were just to much in place. All the talk, going out to her parents house on a school night. Firemen said they believed it started in the trash can. Bertie was a smoker. One of the things she did as she was picking up the house that night before we left was to empty the ash trays. She didn't love us at all. She was willing to uproot her children, make them lose everything they owned, knew and loved just to get what she wanted. And she did.
The insurance must have paid off pretty quick because it seemed like only a couple of weeks before......guess what.....we were in a brand new trailer house! And where do you think that trailer house was parked? Uh huh, yep, right there on the land right beside her parents. We were now all one big happy family. Hogs and all.
The shock wore off and life got back to normal as we knew it. I liked the new house, it was really pretty and had all the modern conveniences! Roxanne, Stanley and I spent quite a bit of time together doing their chores and trying to stay away from Earl. My brothers and I got very close as well. Richard had started kindergarten and went to the same small country school that I did. Richard and I got up every morning at 6:00 in order to have breakfast, get all dressed with the hair in place, and watch a few cartoons! He loved his cartoons. We had to catch the bus at 7 and he always sat in the same seat I did. He thought he was pretty hot stuff getting to hang with big sis and her friends on the bus, and I made sure that no one bothered him in any way, shape, form or fashion. He was my baby. I was raising him and Bobby. God knows Bertie wouldn't get off her lazy a$$ and do anything to do it. I felt so sorry for Bobby while I was at school. I would come home and he would be tired, dirty and usually hungry.
I never saw much go on between Bertie and my dad. No bad stuff anyway. Things seemed normal, until that day at school, when once entire life would be destroyed.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Dear Mr. 2

I always wanted to be like my sister. She was beautiful, funny, smart...everything a young teenaged girl hopes to be. All of the girls wanted to be her friend because she was popular, all the guys wanted to be with her because of her looks, stunning. I learned alot from my sister, without her even knowing it. She was totally unaware of the close watch I kept on her. I learned how to hold your breath when taking a toke...learned how to give and receive hickey's, learned not to smoke one cigarette after another unless you wanted to puke. I learned how to bat my eyes at the boys. I learned how push Bertie's buttons to the point of being made to leave the house. That's when it really started, when my sister had done everything she could to get away from stepmother, and I would have given anything to go with her except for one important and absolutley ludicrus turn of events.
I was 11 at this time, things were already hell in my life. I had my 3rd stepmother that was a witch, my sister had been acting up for sometime so she was having to leave, and I was about to make a road trip, to see where she was going. It was no other place than to my real mothers house. Yes, that's right, to the woman who had abandoned us when we were babies, the same one. I was just sick at the thought of it all. I didn't want to meet her, and I sure as heck didn't want my sister, my best friend leaving to go and live with her. But it was going to happen just the same.
I don't remember the trip there at all but I'm sure I was a basket case. I do remember pulling up in front of the house. It was a nice house which I totally didn't expect. Getting out of the car I remember starting to cry because I knew this was the last time I would see my sister (at least in my head and heart it would be the last time). Daddy telling me everything would be alright.....Bertie giving me "shut the hell up" looks as we were walking to the door......and then it happened, the door opened and there she was. How could this be? How could she be beautiful? How could she look so *normal*. The introductions and fake hugs began, and if it wasn't bad enough that the woman was putting her hands on me, there THEY were. My whole world ended at that very second. She had other children. There was her *real* family, the kids that she *wanted*. All I could do was stare. I couldn't move, or speak. Was that so wrong? Was it out of line that I just wanted to get back in the car and leave? But it was just to be the beginning of a very long and miserable day.
My sister was shown her new bedroom, everyone was so nicey nicey, including my daddy. Why wasn't he smacking that woman around? Was he afraid of her new husband? Did he just not care about what she had done to us? Did he forget what she had done???? How could he betray me like this?
It was easy to find a place to just *be* in that house. I stayed away from everyone. Even my sister had befriended the enemy. I was alone. I had been abandoned for the second time in my life and I didn't think I would ever recover. And I don't think I have recovered yet.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Dear Mr. 1

"See Brenda, who is she? She's holding his hand!"...."Hi daddy!!" I said as I jumped in his arms. My daddy and I were always very close. Alot of people always said he didn't give my sister and I the attention we needed from him, but he was ALWAYS working. At least that's what I remember. After a few sweet minutes of some good old fashioned lovin from my daddy, he took a deep breath and introduced his new love, Roberta. Otherwise known to us as "Bertie". After the introductions we loaded up the car and that's when daddy informed me and Brenda that we had something he needed to talk to us about. Oh lordy, what in the world could it be. I was surely hoping I hadn't done anything wrong, I was so glad to see him and happy to be going home. I don't remember the exact words that daddy used, but the jist of it was, that....I had myself a brand new mommy! And if that wasn't a big enough kicker I also had myself a 2 year old step brother waiting for me at home! *THUD* Like I said, I was 9 years old at the time, and I am old now and am on to many meds to be able to remember all the words spoken, and all the thoughts thought, but I'm sure my head must have been spinning.

My daddy, bless his heart. He should have had sons cause he sure didn't know what to do with me and my sister. To be honest with you, I just don't think my dad was cut out to be a parent at all, not looking back at it now. But he tried, for the most part. But, he didn't really try as hard as long as Nanny, or one of the stepmothers were around. And I can think of so much now, to, that he turned his head to, just to keep the peace with his other half. I thought I was supposed to be the most important thing in his life? Oh God, what am I saying???? I WAS the most important thing in his life. Period.

"Terrie, this is your little brother, Richard!" He was kinda cute, and little. And when he talked the words didn't sound much like words so I figured I could make fun of him under my breath. But the best thing about all of it was.....we were gonna stay there and live with Nanny and Daddy Jack! Yes, all of us, right there in the same house together! What I thought was wonderful would turn out to be something so explosive that it would almost destroy my family. Oh, and did I mention that Bertie was *21*? That's what I said, 21. My dad on the other hand was almost 35. She was alright. My dad was 6 ft. 2 inches, she was 5 ft. 2 inches. She had red hair and freckles. I liked her, she was very nice (at that time).

The extended family that followed was not so nice though, at least not the adults. Bertie's dad (Earl) was an ex-marine, and he never forgot it for one second. Mean that man was, nothing but thru and thru mean. To everyone, especially his youngest, his son, Stanley. He had that boy so afraid of him that Stanley would occasionally poop his pants in fear, literally. Stanley was a year or so younger than me, and even at my age I felt so sorry for him, and his older sister Roxanne. They became *friends* with Brenda and I not long after we all met. We spent so much time out there at their house that it was either sink or swim baby!

It was just a short time after the beginning of all this that we were informed that Bertie was gonna have us a little brother or sister! I know that Nanny must have been having a herd of cows over this one because her and Bertie just couldn't find middle ground on ANYTHING. Not really sure if it was because daddy was Nanny's *baby*, or maybe because Bertie was #3 and it was getting a little old, or maybe because Bertie had a bit of a 'tude with Nanny. I mean after all, 21 years old and she was a married woman with a family. She didn't have to listen to anyone, even if she was living in their house. She started having a 'tude with my sister and I right after the "new wore off". But, this was never done in front of daddy, she was always just a kind and caring person in front of daddy. Ugh! What did I expect though? She never called me stupid in front of him, or slapped me in front of him, or made me stay outside all day when he was home. She never gave Richard snacks and treats in front of me all the while letting him stick his tongue out at me while daddy was home. She never made me feel like the dirt on the bottom of her shoes while dad was home. She treated Brenda the same way, only a little worse. But Brenda had a mind of her own, and she took it the first couple of years.....but then everything in the world changed. Everything.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Is This What It Feels Like?

You have all been so wonderful wanting to know what happened to me last night. Sending your hugs and love to not only me but to my baby girl @MommyNeedsMeds. I thought I would just put everything here so that everyone could just come and read it at the same time XOXO.

BAM!!! It felt like someone hit me upside the head, hard! But I didn't feel pain, I felt the *force* of it. I cried out and Grady looked over at me and came up out of his chair. I remember saying "Help me, I'm about to pass out", and I remember grabbing my glasses off my head and that's when I fell over, to the left. It felt like gravity was just pulling me down. Grady was holding on to me, I was telling him I was falling (I was sitting down). The entire room was leaning to the left and I felt like I needed to scream for some reason, I didn't. I sat there, holding onto him and trying to get my bearings. I started feeling a little better as the room was standing upright again. But I still felt as if I needed to fall over to the left. I got up to see how I felt and over to the left I went, almost hit the floor. I was scared. The left side of my body felt so heavy, thick. I was light headed and getting sick to my stomach.

My son is a fire fighter and without my knowing it Grady had called him to come over and check me out. Well, when he got here and messed with me for a couple minutes he then called an ambulance. A few seconds later (we live in a small town) I hear sirens! I look at my son and he started laughing, he said "we do that sometimes just cause we get bored", I was so embarrassed! Was glad to hear them though. As they checked me out they had me stand, and sit both times taking my bloodpressure and pulse. Said my bloodpressure would jump 20 points on the top side just standing up and that my pulse was racing. When they had me stand up, over I went, left side. They wanted to take me then, but I was so afraid of the expense of the Emergency Room. We don't have any insurance. They stayed for awhile and kept checking me and trying to persuade me but I kept declining. I told them goodbye. My head started hurting on the left side which I thought was strange but put it off on the stress of it all, but it just kept getting worse and worse. There I was bad headache, the left side of my body heavy and thick. The feeling that I needed to fall over when I stood up......I looked at my son and said "I think I've had a stroke!" Son said, "well, there ya have it, let's go".

Nurse came in and told me she was gonna poke me so that she could put some medicine in my vein. Well my head was hurting so bad I didn't care what she did at that point. 4 pokes later and she had the needle in my vein and pumping medicine. It took about 3 minutes and all 3 medicines took effect. They gave me something for my nerves, my headache and my upset stomach. I was ridin high, let me tell you! I started feeling somewhat better with some meds on board but still had the heavy, thick feeling in my left side. After an examination a CT Scan was ordered. Did that. Doctor says there is something there that shouldn't be but he didn't know what it was and neither did the radiologist. So. let's do an MRI. Ok, did that. Doctor came in and finally had an answer for us. It is called: Ateriovenous Malformation. The is how I understand it, the veins and vessels in your brain get all jumbled together and make a "nest". They can misfire and cause all kinds of trouble, including fatal strokes. Well I guess mine misfired. Oh, and guess what side this is on, yep, the left!

So now, we are getting paperwork to a neurosurgeon to see if he feels like anything should even be done at this point. Will keep you all informed. Again, thank you so much for all the wonderful tweets I got. The love, oh, I could feel the love!!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Beautiful Award!

Well, it's really amazing that I received this award today, because just this morning I was over at PrincessProse looking at Jenn's thinking that I knew I would never get this award. I honest to goodness did/do not feel worthy of it. But for some reason my dear sweet friend Ashlee over at Brainofamommy decided that yes, I am worthy of it. When I saw that she had nominated me for it I started crying. I felt loved. : )

And yes, there are rules for this award, and the rules are:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for the award. Thank you sweet Ashlee! Hugs!

2. Copy the award and place it on your blog.

3. Link to the person who nominated you for the award. Go see about Ashlee!

4. Share 7 interesting things about yourself.

5. Nominate 7 other beautiful bloggers. : )

Ok, well I don't know how interesting these things are gonna be they may be more embarrassing and funny, but here goes:

1. I have very low self esteem. I have always felt like I have never been good enough or worthy enough for the good or better things/people in life. I believe alot of it has to do with the way I was brought up. If you've read my blogs then you know what I'm talking about. I must say though that most of you, my friends on twitter make me feel better about myself. Thank you.

2. I am terrified of spiders! I don't care what size they are, what color they may be, spiders are one thing that I cannot and will not tolerate! I will wave in the rear view mirror on my way outta town sistah!

3. I use to be in Search and Rescue. For 9 years I used a dog and worked on cases for law enforcement or for family's . I did things like, look for cadavers, evidence such as guns and ammo, clothing, I even looked for live people. I used a rat terrier for most of my work, but I also used an airedale and german shepherd. It was very rewarding work and have missed it here lately with all the earthquakes.

4. I. Am. A. Nutcase. Yes, it's true. Thus the nickname "MiMi Needs Meds". There are several reasons I am on meds (have 8 prescriptions), but won't go into that until it's time for that blog!

5. I can't take showers in the winter. I am a very cold natured person. I can't hardly even stand to change clothes in the winter time. It doesn't matter how warm the room is, once I get wet I absolutely freeze, to the point of crying. So it's baths in the winter, showers in the summer.

6. I give Animal Messenger readings. If you go on my blog site you know that I have a page there for daily animal messages. It's the same thing, just more involved lol. I have *special* things I use for the reading, such as different rocks, a doll from Costa Rica, a rabbit pellet, etc. I will ask the person for something that is of importance to them and will place it with my special things. Then shuffle the cards and do the reading. I have only done it for family so far, and the person has to ask me for the reading, I never ask first.

7. I can sing. The only natural gift I have is my voice. I have sang in the church choir, sang solo'sat church and have sang at our town functions, like for the 4th of July, Octoberfest, that sort of thing. I have wondered, I suppose like everyone who can sing does....if I had have tried, persued it...could I have made it big! lol I don't sing as good as I once did, but the dogs still seem to enjoy it. : )

Ok, the next thing for me to do is to nominate 7 others for this award. This is something that I am gonna have to cheat on. I don't follow nor do I have that many followers that actually talk, lol. And some of the one's I do have already gotten this award, so I have 3 ladies that I am going to nominate for the "Beautiful Blogger" award, and they are:

1. MommyNeedsMeds - This young woman as many of you know is my daughter. But that is not why I am giving her this award. The "beautiful" part is obvious with her. She is a living angel. Beautiful inside and out. The "blogger" part is obvious when you read what she has to say.

2. mc-mommy - This cutie bug is receiving the award because I need to boost her in the butt about her blogging, she just doesn't do it enough! She will make you laugh when you really need it and always has a smile for you.

3. leighish - This sweet little mama tries so hard at everything she does. But what is really wonderful about her is that she is gonna have another baby! We couldn't be more happy for her and she deserves all the happiness in the world.

Lost From Birth

I know there are those of you out there who most likely feel the same way I do. Alone, empty. Not knowing who you are or where you came from. I have no idea where I go past my Daddy Jack (grandpa) on my daddy's side other than the fact that his mother was a full blood Cherokee Indian. I was also told that she most likely came down the Cherokee Strip. Dear God how I would like to know. I have no idea where my Nanny came from other than she was a little French. I don't know where I go past my birth mother, Patricia. She was adopted and you know that she abandoned me when I was a baby. I have tried to trace my Daddy's Jack's side, but he never registered on the "indian roll" because he was so ashamed of his heritage. Back in his day American Indian's were not respected at all, and was looked down on and spit at. So he tried to stay away from it even though his looks were that of an Indian Chief.
I don't know what to do other than just accept the way things are and be happy and proud that I can at least know who my one set of grandparents were. I just would like to know if maybe I might be an Indian Princess, or maybe have come from a line of very intelligent women on my Nanny's side. *Shrugs*. I almost feel like I'm whining now. Just a little snipit of how I am feeling. I love you.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Butterflies, Bliss.....And Girl Scout Cookies.

Summertime, the windows open...dark outside, the hummm of the attic fan that rocked me to sleep everynight. My daddy, Nanny and Daddy Jack asleep just a few rooms away. That was the bliss. That secure, conforting, loving feeling that I had there at home. At my real home. I wonder if I thought about Jane much at that time. Probably not cause I was happy! The next 5 years would be the best in my whole life. My Nanny was the best thing that ever happened to me. She was very much in charge of the house, and everyone in it. Yet she commanded the ship with a soft, gentle hand that made everyone want to do just exactly as she wished. She was loved. Even then as a child I knew that this woman wanted to, and almost always succeeded in doing the very best that she could for her family, especially her two little granddaughters. She was homeroom mother, something in the PTA. Brownie leader, Girl Scout leader. The best birthday party organizer and the best cookie maker on the block. If my sister and I were involved, so was my Nanny. I remember the Halloween parties, the Brownie and Girl Scout meetings. All my bestest friends spending the night and Nanny popping popcorn and letting us have pop to drink. I remember when we went to the grocery store she would buy us pudding and pizza just because "we were good". I'm sorry, when I get off on my Nanny I could just stay there and dwell in the love I still feel for that precious lady that has been dead for 23 years. I have so many wonderful memories of that 5 years, and I know that most of you have been heartbroken over some of the things that have happened to me, and please know that I love you so much because of that, but, as you read future blogs I want you to remember that I did have some good years. Some very happy times.

My sister and I NEVER got spankins, we got "scouldings". But before I say another word I want you to sincerely know that my sister and I were very well behaved children. Nanny had a way about her that taught my sister and I the important things in life without raising a hand, or her voice to us. I do remember one time, when that sense of it all was broken.

I wasn't allowed to ride my bicycle in the street, only on the sidewalk which on my street was sufficient. One day I was let to go down the block, on the sidewalk to the little grocery store. I rode, on the sidewalk all the way down there, but, *big sigh*, when I got down there I thought I would be sneaky and get my bike out on the street just to see what it felt like. Mistake. I was riding in the street when I looked down the block and there was my Daddy Jack standing on the corner watching me. "Oh Dear God, please help me run away from home"! No such luck, God was waiting there with my grandpa to smite me hip and thigh. And that is exactly what happened. My grandpa took me into his bedroom, explained to me again why I wasn't allowed to ride in the street, told me how much he loved me, and then bent me over his knee. He spanked me! Well, my heart was broken....but mine wasn't the only one because when it was over Daddy Jack wasn't in the house, he was out in the back yard...crying. I had never seen him cry before. I ran out the back door, wrapped my arms around him and told him how sorry I was. He said he was sorry too.

It was the big day, the day we had been waiting for, for some time. It was time to leave for our Girl Scout camping trip. 2 whole weeks of fun in the sun. When we got there I couldn't believe my eyes!! There were cabins everywhere, a lake with a slide, diving board and pits and butterflies....there were butterflies everywhere! Those 2 weeks were filled with fun. Skits, dances, movies, story telling, swimming. I was 9 years old, and I was in Heaven, so I thought. The days flew by and before I wanted it over, it was. Girls were running everywhere, saying their goodbye's, gathering up last minute things. My sister and I were doing the same thing, when, "Brenda, there's daddy, daddy's here!", "Who is that?", "Brenda who is that woman with daddy?.....Who is she??"

Six Rays of Sunshine!

Jenn over at momdunwentcrazy was sweet enough to present me with "The Sunshine Award". I am very honored to get this award simply because I have only been blogging for a short time. There are some rules to receiving this award, and they are: 1) Post the logo on your blog. 2) Pass the award onto 12 bloggers of your choice. 3) Link the bloggers back to their blogs. 4) Comment on the recipients blog letting them know they have received the award. 5) Link to the person you received the award from.

I'm gonna have to break one of the rules. I have 6 bloggers that I wish to give the award to. Each of these ladies are special in their own right. Each are very sweet and caring. Each have had their own tribulations and have come out on top. I feel very good being able to give these sweetheart's this award because I love them all very much. My 6 recipients are: Little Lady Momma....Brain Of A Mommy.... Beautiful Wreck2.... Sojinkeys.... Leighish.... Sniper Mom.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

"We're Only Playing Cards"

Time means nothing to a little one. A child lives for the moment, and for kisses and hugs from Momma. In my case, my kisses and hugs came from "Nanny", my daddy's momma. She is the one who found us in the trailer house, and she is the one who took us in and made sure we would never need for anything, or at least while it was in her hands. My half brother JC, went to live with his grandma, my mother's mother. She was never my grandma anymore than "Patricia" was my mother. Just there for someone else. My sister and I spent the next 2 years with Nanny and Daddy Jack (my grandpa, 1/2 Cherokee Indian and a very gentle, loving man). Then the cycle started all over again when my daddy met the next love of his life, Jane.

I don't have alot of memory from that time, I was still a little thing, but I do have a few. The first one, when I think back on it really makes me mad, only because by the time I could look back and understand what was happening, well, there was no matter to mention it. I was about 4 years old, my sister was at school, my daddy was a work and I remember being in the living room, alone. There was a knock on the door and I answered it, immediately after, Jane was behind me greeting the strange man. She asked him in and they started down the hall toward her's and daddy's bedroom. As she was walking away she looked over her shoulder and said, "We're going in my room to play cards". I asked if I could come watch and of course I was turned down. I was just relieved that I didn't get in big trouble for playing in that jar of vaseline I had in my hands!

The next memory of her I was still around 4 and it is a little disturbing to me. We had moved and were in a nice house as I remember it. There was a screen door on the front door and I remember thinking that was one of the best thing's in the world. It was raining that night, raining hard. I even remember the thunder. I'm not sure where daddy was, probably at work since that was all he did to give his family everything they needed. I was standing at the front screen door, crying. Apparantly I had gotten a puppy, and this puppy was outside somewhere and I was so scared for it. I wanted my puppy, I needed my puppy. The next thing I knew I was being whirled around and slapped hard across my face and being told to "Shut that damn crying up, the dog is fine". Oh my face hurt. What a shock that was. My heart was broken. but I still remember thinking, "You said a bad word". I left the front door and went into my bedroom, trying not cry to loud.

The only other memory I have of that woman is the day that my daddy loaded my sister and me up in the car and we were headed back home, back home to Nanny!! I don't have many memories of Jane, and I think I should be thankful for that because the 3 I do have, well you read them.

Friday, February 19, 2010

She Loved Me Not.

It was cold, snow on the ground...typical winter time weather. We lived in a trailer house, parked in between other trailer houses. I was 18 months old, my sister (Brenda) was 3 and my half brother (JC) was 5. I can imagine he thought he was quite the "big boy" because I was told that he tried to cook for us. We were found 3 days later, we had no clothes on, no shoes on, and my diaper was stuck to my bottom, (back then there were only cloth diapers in use) and the doctor had to have to soak it off right there in his office. Can you grasp the amount of pain there must have been with all of that. My bottom and my peepee must have been ate totally up from the urine and feces. Damn. We were all so hungry, and my sister had developed "rickets" in her legs. Daddy told me how he felt when he got the news there in Iceland while serving his country in the United States Air Force. What are you gonna do? Daddy could only trust that his mother, my "Nanny" would take care of us until he was able to fly home.
I have thought of myself so many times in that house alone with my brother and sister for 3 days, wandering around, calling for "momma". Crying. I know I must have cried alot, I was just a baby, we were all just babies. How confused we had to have been. How alone. How could she? Dear God, how could she just walk out the door, leave us in that house alone? She didn't know how long it would take for us to be found. She didn't know if we would set the house on fire, or wander outside and die from the cold. She had no idea, so how could she?
I'll tell you how she could. She had a very important appointment she had to keep. She already had her room reserved, her meals were to be taken care of and her days planned out in advance. She had checked herself into the Vinita Mental Institution. The largest and most serious mental institution in Oklahoma. My mother had lost her mind. At least she had the good sense to take of herself? Right? To make sure she was gonna have a warm bed, 3 hot squares, clean under pants. I know I sound bitter, and you would think that after all these years of my life of knowing what the circumstances were, that I wouldn't. But, there is waaay more to the story that proceeds throughout my life that will most likely make you feel the same way. We'll see.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Time Has Come.

I have often thought of writing a book throughout my life. Thought of starting a blog, over and over. The truth is, the way my life has played out, I'm not sure I could even tell it all, willingly. Most of you will be shocked at what I tell you, some of you won't even believe me...but I'm gonna put it out here as I remember it, and I remember it.... and how family has explained to me the parts when I was to young to remember, but feel now. You'll understand. I'm having to stop and rub my hands together just getting thru this introduction, so much is crashing thru my head. I pray that I will be able to tell you my story in a way that you will feel something. Something that will move you, touch you. Open your heart and let you KNOW me. Because I want you to know me. It's most of you that have played the major role in helping me make the decision to go ahead and blog about my life. And that is a compliment. I have always been a private person, and some of what I am going to tell you I haven't told most people. I have gone thru periods of hating myself and all who lived. I have gone thru periods of no longer wanting to live with it all. But you know what. I bucked up, and decided that the devil did it all, and I became closer to God.
Ok, anyway, this is my introduction. Watch for my next post that will start the story of my life. Thank you for reading this, and for the future readings, and for being my friend.