Saturday, February 20, 2010

"We're Only Playing Cards"

Time means nothing to a little one. A child lives for the moment, and for kisses and hugs from Momma. In my case, my kisses and hugs came from "Nanny", my daddy's momma. She is the one who found us in the trailer house, and she is the one who took us in and made sure we would never need for anything, or at least while it was in her hands. My half brother JC, went to live with his grandma, my mother's mother. She was never my grandma anymore than "Patricia" was my mother. Just there for someone else. My sister and I spent the next 2 years with Nanny and Daddy Jack (my grandpa, 1/2 Cherokee Indian and a very gentle, loving man). Then the cycle started all over again when my daddy met the next love of his life, Jane.

I don't have alot of memory from that time, I was still a little thing, but I do have a few. The first one, when I think back on it really makes me mad, only because by the time I could look back and understand what was happening, well, there was no matter to mention it. I was about 4 years old, my sister was at school, my daddy was a work and I remember being in the living room, alone. There was a knock on the door and I answered it, immediately after, Jane was behind me greeting the strange man. She asked him in and they started down the hall toward her's and daddy's bedroom. As she was walking away she looked over her shoulder and said, "We're going in my room to play cards". I asked if I could come watch and of course I was turned down. I was just relieved that I didn't get in big trouble for playing in that jar of vaseline I had in my hands!

The next memory of her I was still around 4 and it is a little disturbing to me. We had moved and were in a nice house as I remember it. There was a screen door on the front door and I remember thinking that was one of the best thing's in the world. It was raining that night, raining hard. I even remember the thunder. I'm not sure where daddy was, probably at work since that was all he did to give his family everything they needed. I was standing at the front screen door, crying. Apparantly I had gotten a puppy, and this puppy was outside somewhere and I was so scared for it. I wanted my puppy, I needed my puppy. The next thing I knew I was being whirled around and slapped hard across my face and being told to "Shut that damn crying up, the dog is fine". Oh my face hurt. What a shock that was. My heart was broken. but I still remember thinking, "You said a bad word". I left the front door and went into my bedroom, trying not cry to loud.

The only other memory I have of that woman is the day that my daddy loaded my sister and me up in the car and we were headed back home, back home to Nanny!! I don't have many memories of Jane, and I think I should be thankful for that because the 3 I do have, well you read them.

Friday, February 19, 2010

She Loved Me Not.

It was cold, snow on the ground...typical winter time weather. We lived in a trailer house, parked in between other trailer houses. I was 18 months old, my sister (Brenda) was 3 and my half brother (JC) was 5. I can imagine he thought he was quite the "big boy" because I was told that he tried to cook for us. We were found 3 days later, we had no clothes on, no shoes on, and my diaper was stuck to my bottom, (back then there were only cloth diapers in use) and the doctor had to have to soak it off right there in his office. Can you grasp the amount of pain there must have been with all of that. My bottom and my peepee must have been ate totally up from the urine and feces. Damn. We were all so hungry, and my sister had developed "rickets" in her legs. Daddy told me how he felt when he got the news there in Iceland while serving his country in the United States Air Force. What are you gonna do? Daddy could only trust that his mother, my "Nanny" would take care of us until he was able to fly home.
I have thought of myself so many times in that house alone with my brother and sister for 3 days, wandering around, calling for "momma". Crying. I know I must have cried alot, I was just a baby, we were all just babies. How confused we had to have been. How alone. How could she? Dear God, how could she just walk out the door, leave us in that house alone? She didn't know how long it would take for us to be found. She didn't know if we would set the house on fire, or wander outside and die from the cold. She had no idea, so how could she?
I'll tell you how she could. She had a very important appointment she had to keep. She already had her room reserved, her meals were to be taken care of and her days planned out in advance. She had checked herself into the Vinita Mental Institution. The largest and most serious mental institution in Oklahoma. My mother had lost her mind. At least she had the good sense to take of herself? Right? To make sure she was gonna have a warm bed, 3 hot squares, clean under pants. I know I sound bitter, and you would think that after all these years of my life of knowing what the circumstances were, that I wouldn't. But, there is waaay more to the story that proceeds throughout my life that will most likely make you feel the same way. We'll see.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Time Has Come.

I have often thought of writing a book throughout my life. Thought of starting a blog, over and over. The truth is, the way my life has played out, I'm not sure I could even tell it all, willingly. Most of you will be shocked at what I tell you, some of you won't even believe me...but I'm gonna put it out here as I remember it, and I remember it.... and how family has explained to me the parts when I was to young to remember, but feel now. You'll understand. I'm having to stop and rub my hands together just getting thru this introduction, so much is crashing thru my head. I pray that I will be able to tell you my story in a way that you will feel something. Something that will move you, touch you. Open your heart and let you KNOW me. Because I want you to know me. It's most of you that have played the major role in helping me make the decision to go ahead and blog about my life. And that is a compliment. I have always been a private person, and some of what I am going to tell you I haven't told most people. I have gone thru periods of hating myself and all who lived. I have gone thru periods of no longer wanting to live with it all. But you know what. I bucked up, and decided that the devil did it all, and I became closer to God.
Ok, anyway, this is my introduction. Watch for my next post that will start the story of my life. Thank you for reading this, and for the future readings, and for being my friend.