Friday, February 19, 2010

She Loved Me Not.

It was cold, snow on the ground...typical winter time weather. We lived in a trailer house, parked in between other trailer houses. I was 18 months old, my sister (Brenda) was 3 and my half brother (JC) was 5. I can imagine he thought he was quite the "big boy" because I was told that he tried to cook for us. We were found 3 days later, we had no clothes on, no shoes on, and my diaper was stuck to my bottom, (back then there were only cloth diapers in use) and the doctor had to have to soak it off right there in his office. Can you grasp the amount of pain there must have been with all of that. My bottom and my peepee must have been ate totally up from the urine and feces. Damn. We were all so hungry, and my sister had developed "rickets" in her legs. Daddy told me how he felt when he got the news there in Iceland while serving his country in the United States Air Force. What are you gonna do? Daddy could only trust that his mother, my "Nanny" would take care of us until he was able to fly home.
I have thought of myself so many times in that house alone with my brother and sister for 3 days, wandering around, calling for "momma". Crying. I know I must have cried alot, I was just a baby, we were all just babies. How confused we had to have been. How alone. How could she? Dear God, how could she just walk out the door, leave us in that house alone? She didn't know how long it would take for us to be found. She didn't know if we would set the house on fire, or wander outside and die from the cold. She had no idea, so how could she?
I'll tell you how she could. She had a very important appointment she had to keep. She already had her room reserved, her meals were to be taken care of and her days planned out in advance. She had checked herself into the Vinita Mental Institution. The largest and most serious mental institution in Oklahoma. My mother had lost her mind. At least she had the good sense to take of herself? Right? To make sure she was gonna have a warm bed, 3 hot squares, clean under pants. I know I sound bitter, and you would think that after all these years of my life of knowing what the circumstances were, that I wouldn't. But, there is waaay more to the story that proceeds throughout my life that will most likely make you feel the same way. We'll see.

10 comments:

  1. A friend of mine's mother was left in similar circumstances. Some of the kids farmed out to relatives, but she was an infant and her and the next to the youngest were split up and adopted by strangers. Her mother also had mental health issues. How sad. Terrifying.
    But you are here to tell your story. Many babies do not. Many children die in those circumstances, some done in on purpose. What does not kill us makes us stronger - even if it cripples us. (((hugs)))

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  2. Just a taste of why I never wanted to see that woman while she was alive, and did everything in my power to make sure that she never had the pleasure of meeting my baby brother. Mentally ill or not, if you have enough sense to take care of yourself, you should damn sure have enough sense to take care of your babies.
    I won't apologize for my bitterness towards her. I wasn't sorry for my feelings growing up, and now that I'm a mother with babies of my own, I'm sure as hell not sorry.
    Keep telling your stories, Little Momma. You make me so proud! I love you.

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  3. I think my heart just shattered into a million pieces.

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  4. I can't even imagine. So glad you are here to tell your story.

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  5. What mommyneedsmeds said, if you've sense enough to arrange your own care, you've sense enough to do SOMETHING for the care of your children. Damn.
    Just...damn.

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  6. I adore you. And like Kat said, I too felt my heart shatter in a million little pieces...quickly, oh so quickly, I picked the pieces up, applied tears and spit and put them back together again, so my heart would be stronger, so I can be solid, for YOU. Keep sharing, Luv, tell your truth, and know that you have a strong foundation of Spiritual Midwives to walk this walk with you. WINGS Baby, use those beautiful wings of yours..

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  7. Oh my god. Terrie. I can't even imagine... my heart is in my throat and tears are in my eyes and I want to give you a hug. I want to go back in time and give you a hug...

    You are such a sweet & caring & wonderful person, despite that. Despite whatever else has happened to you. It's amazing.

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  8. Wow. Just wow. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you to write this.
    (hugs and love)

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  9. Even when writing about sadness and pain, you do it with such beauty and elegance. My heart broke reading this. No child should ever feel unprotected or unloved. You are definitely a fighter and I'm so glad you're telling your story of survival!

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  10. Wow what a beginning. I am glad you survived and are here telling your story. I just started doing the same thing on a blog and it's been very cathartic. Hugs to you lady. xoxo @masmom

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